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In last night’s dramatic episode of Marriage At First Shite, the despos held up Mr Squiggle drawings declaring if they wanted to “Stay” in or “Leave” their fake marriage. Turns out the experts Freud, Nietzsche and Jung didn’t manage to troll hard enough with their ridiculous pairings, because some couples are still so sickeningly infatuated with each other, they leave a lingering line of spittle between their mouths every time they make out. But of course, some others hate each other so much, they want to spend a lifetime breaking into their exes house and stuffing fish guts in their curtain rods just to see them suffer. Love ain’t dead!
Jonathan and Cheryl:
Obviously Chez instantly noticed that Jonathan looks like a pasty little Polly Pocket doll that she can easily fit inside her fake Gucci handbag, and she didn’t hesitate to joke about it with her massive dermal filler lips. BIG MISTAKE CHEZ. Narcissistic Jonathan immediately closed up like a starfish smothered in too much hemorrhoid cream, and his bruised little man ego proceeded to ignore, gaslight and dismiss Chez. Sleazebag Jono then went and pulled a classic-era Warney move, sexting another woman about how much he wants to get naked in the rain with her. Sexual dysfunction, emotional abuse and infidelity, all in a marriage of only two weeks! Good work team.
Andrew Fire Hose and Lauren:
Considering the fact that Loz ran away screaming on their wedding night, we can safely assume that this union is more over than Rolf Harris’s popularity. The tabloids have been frothing at the bit to get the real story, but my spidey sense tells me that Fire Hose and Loz downed too many tinnies and got into drunk fisty cuffs, and then she panicked and decided to pull a bit of a French Goodbye; hopping in a cab without so much as an ‘adios loser’, and into a Fire-Hose free sunset.
Michael and Scarlett:
Who would have thought that such a plastic and regimented control freak with a penchant for flashing his wang for money wouldn’t work well with the untalented and ditzy version of Barbra Streisand. Now Ditz Babs will be howling “Memories” into her Pink Hair brush forevermore, when she reminisces about this doomed pairing with Tragic Mike. Bonus bad wifey points go to Scarlett for being the other half of the Warney sexting scandal with Jonathan.
John and Deb:
Neurotic Deb clearly thought the plastic flower-crown from Supre that the producers shoved on her rough 80s hair meant that she was DEFINITELY going to get betrothed to a Polynesian Bloke (cos the fairies living in her bra give her the power of telepathy apparently). WRONG SPACE CADET, YOU GET A DAGGY WHITE DAD INSTEAD. Debs might want to slink over to stripper Michael, whose lame circa early 2000s tribal tattoos might scratch that Polynesian Itch in her pants.
MARRIAGE: HANGING BY A POLYNESIAN THREAD
Michelle and Jesse:
Ok, so Michelle didn’t hide her obvious disappointment when the Troll Trifecta paired her with who I’m pretty sure is a mini Andrew G, back to the future from 2001 in his little Matchbox Delorean. He’s obviously batting WAY above his average of the chicks he usually bangs on Tinder, and he knows it. But Mich bought Jesse G a stepladder from Bunnings, and they seem to be getting along much better now that they can see eye to eye.
MARRIAGE: WILL LAST A FEW MONTHS IF SHE BURNS ALL HER HEELS.
Alene and Simon:
Although Alene is relieved this isn’t an arranged marriage to her cousin Battah in Lebanon, she’s not too crash hot on Simply Red’s rippling bouf either. They both appear to be top blokes though, so I recommend they drink a little too much $4 Gossips Shiraz, turn the lights off, and see what happens.
MARRIAGE: IT MIGHT WORK IF HE CUTS OFF ALL HIS DERMIE HAIR.
Sharon and Nick:
These two hot bogan hornbags seem to be getting along swimmingly and which is an appropriate term considering the evening before Sharon barely made it out of Nick’s vom chunks alive. They probably have matching “Such Is Life” tattoos on their nether uglies by now.
MARRIAGE: WILL LAST A YEAR OR TWO, WHILE THEY STILL ENJOY BANGING TO CHISEL IN THE BACK OF HIS KINGSWOOD.
Vanessa and Andrew:
Maybe Andrew’s flashbacks to Nam are keeping him quiet. Maybe he’s just very introspective and thoughtful (boring). Whatever the reason, Vanessa is like a chipmunk on Ritalin, and she can fill the awkward silences sufficiently enough, so it’s like a whole conversation is still going on when there’s only one person talking.
MARRIAGE: WILL LAST AS LONG AS HE ENJOYS GOING TO HIS HAPPY PLACE.
Nadia and Anthony:
All I can think of when I see these two together is the Pink Floyd song “Comfortably Numb”. It’s like someone has laced their chardonnay with a few dozen bricks of Xanax. But he still seems to be bug-eyed infatuated with her everytime she walks into the room, so maybe in time she might let him touch her bum, instead of holding him at 100 Go-Go-Gadget-Arm lengths, like she’s doing now.
MARRIAGE: MIGHT LAST A COUPLE OF YEARS, IF NADIA CEBRANO STARTS GIVING ANTHS SOME “BEDROOM EYES” lol see what I did there.
Susan and Sean:
These two rough cowboy honeys have barely come up for air since first meeting, and you can safely assume that they’ve been rolling around in the haystacks pretty frequently ever since. The only spanner in the works is the geographical distance, but these two top blokes are so sickeningly obsessed with each other, they’ll probably travel across the Nullarbor and move Ayers Rock just to be together.
MARRIAGE: MY MAGIC 8 BALL SEES A COUPLE OF ROUGH AS GUTS BABIES ON THE CARDS, WITH NAMES LIKE BANJO AND PATTERSON.
Ok that’s all from me haterz, I’m off to sext Jono and cop a slimy lap dance from Michael, since they’re both single and ready to mingle now. Till next time! xoxox