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The Bachelorette: The One Where They Play Homoerotic Greecian Games (Originally published in Flawlessvision)

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It’s a new day at Gangbang Palace, and the bros are interrogating new intruder Midget Todd about whether King George is the kinda filly he would dry root in the back of his Datsun. Sam’s juvederm lips are slobbering that he’s not threatened by any intruders that he can’t see without a microscope.

In skips Osh, rubbing his giant hands in glee. And like David Copperfield in a polyester bomber jacket, a date card magically appears in his enormous club fist, just like a brand new name magically materialized one day on his passport.

Osh’s giant hand taps the envelope and he vanishes into thin air, leaving the horny bachelors to wonder what lurks within.

Lee’s unfurls his giant meat tongue and lithsps “Silenth Bogans, let me read the clue!

‘LET’S PUT OURSELVES IN THE PICTURE’ ”.

The bros all start sniggering and high-fiving, hoping one of them gets to shoot porn with dead-fish Kween George.

Disney Centrefold Fireman Cam gets the single date, and he celebrates by bouncing on Matty’s Trapeze lap. They make out passionately, and the curtains close on the first scene.

****

Single date time, and the cameras pan to a giant ornate bong resting on the picnic rug. Princess George wonders if Cam is more into Aladdin than Jasmine, so she tests his allegiance with a Disney themed picnic, where they can get stoned and sing Disney songs. Cam gracefully scales the fence, even though there’s a gate a metre away, and walks up to Jorge sprawled out coquettishly on the picnic rug.

King George’s thickly applied eyeliner is having a hormonal meltdown that Cam might be in the friendzone, and she’s clearly suffering PTSD after Courtney’s recent rejection. Suddenly a Black Hawk helicopter appears, and Cam goes into emergency evacuation mode, telling George to run for cover while he hoses down the enemy. DON’T PANIC IDIOT George says, we’re just going for a lamo helicopter ride over Sydney. The slits in her dress go right up to her giny, and Cam proves his non-gheyness by putting his hand as close to her Little Mermaid as the Channel 10 censors will allow.

Back on earth, and suddenly they’re swimming in a writhing sea of 101 Dalmatians.  Closet taxidermist Georgia can suddenly see a whole shelf for Osher’s birthday basement, not to mention more tongue than frigid bitch Court has been willing to jam in her mouth.  Cam meanwhile is so sexually aroused by all the Disney and the small furry animals, that he gives Gerg the ol’ reach around, and pashes her pursed puritan lips in a way that leaves her ovaries screeching for a fire-hose.  Her vag practically spits out a rose.

Back at Doodle Headquarters, and the bros are starting to get a bit rowdy without the calming presence of ball-breaking  news anchor George or Kosher’s Balinese wisdom. Rhys tries the same magic trick that Osh did by making the envelope materialize out of thin air, but it looks like he’s reaching behind to squeeze a steroid zit instead.

IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE GETS HURT he reads, and he doesn’t realize how prophetic this is (more on this later).

***

It’s the next morning, and Channel 10 has obviously employed a Logie-winning cinematographer to capture the sweeping shot of the miscellaneous farm and the sun streaming through the eucalypts.

Kosher is wearing a khaki bomber, in case he needs to sneak away surreptitiously for downlow time with James Mathison. Freud rolls over in his grave when Kosh starts soothingly talking about “Easing you into this” with emphatic hand gestures, and the riled-up hornbags can think of nothing but going in dry. Turns out the bogans have to compete in some sort of obscure ethnique sport to prove their doodle-hood.

The bachelors are split into two teams – Awkward Dorks Vs Bravado Bros. The Dorks run through the forest, grunting and lifting their knees to their boobs, executing some sort of military training drill in honour of their fallen comrade Sergeant Tommy. Sam becomes single-white-female by combing his hair exactly like Rhys’ and fantasizing about killing him with the heel of his shoe.

BUT WAIT OH MY GOD CLOSE UP OF MEGA DOODLE OUTLINES IN LYCRA. Sam proves that his lips aren’t the only thing in his anatomy to be over-injected by Voluma. Shut up Osh, and let Sam take a shower in front of the cameras naked for fucks sake THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Penises, people.  SWEET SWOLLEN WANGS IN LORNA JANE!   And no, Georgia, we won’t be thanking you because you can’t even control your make-up artist let alone create the wonder that is a planet half filled with meaty male roll-ups.

Kosh announces that they have to pretend they’re in the Cold War in order to be granted an audience with Her Supreme Leader Kim George-un. The boys pile into a giant Chinese Dragon Boat to show that Channel 10 is accepting of all minorities, even though Carlos is still bound and gagged in the basement, being tortured by Gretel Killeen.

The all start flailing wildly, and the Brainy Dorks pulverize the Brawny Bros because they stopped checking their biceps in the reflection of Osher’s eyes for long enough to come up with something called strategy. Sam attributes their failure to the fact that he Single-White-Femaled Rhys, and no one with a 90s bowl cut can win at anything.

Suddenly we see a wrestling pit of death, and Bloody Mary knows deep in her cockles that nothing can end well here. Lee throws his hand up way too quickly to answer Osh’s question about the special way in which the Turks wrestle.

 

Their shirts come off, AND SWEET HOLY CHISEL I COULD GRATE A LIMP ZUCCHINI ON SOME OF THOSE ABS. Courtney looks like he’s having way too much fun basting Adonis Lee in olive oil. Australia holds their breath in anticipation, hoping that Rhys and Sam will finally settle their palpable sexual tension with some oil wrestling, but pube-chested Matty Whatever is thrown into the circle of death with Rhys instead.

The following minute is the most homoerotic thing Channel 10 has ever broadcast and probably deserved a solid R rating. Lee stands on the side, wishing that was his buttocks being gentle separated by an oily finger.

BUT OH MY GOD RHYS IS DEAD !!!!! Everyone collectively gasps in horror, while Osher has never found anything so funny, because his date card prophesy has come true, and he can’t believe how much power he possess in his giant hands.

Even though Matt Whatevs is the clear alpha victor, Rhys pulls a Ted Bundy by pretending to be crippled to elicit sympathy from unsuspecting George, before he drags her into the bushes to force bad poetry on her.

***

Back to Casa Del Doodle, and DA BOYZ are all chest-bumping like they didn’t just see each other two hours ago. Clarence pulls another date card out of his bathrobe. Lee cannot compute and has a seizure. Robe reads out Matty J’s name, and they all attack him like a pack of wild coyotes.

George pulls up in her Product Placement convertible, and MJ gives her the queen’s wave like a pretentious twat. Turns out that is the theme of this date, as the two rich, privileged white folk try to out-smug each other over a posho game of Croquet. George talks into her mallet like it’s a newsreader microphone, and she tells MJ that she thought he was a hoity twat when she first met him, and he says no wucking furries bish, I thought the same about you! She then uses the mallet to show him how large she likes her Bach doodles, and they laugh smugly at their charming and whimsical banter. Discussion of creepo sexual fetishes suddenly turns into Matty smushing his cold white privilege lips against hers, and it’s like watching Prince Charles and Camilla headbutt each other.

***

Cocktail party time, and Cam is crying internally that his girlfriend of one day is off kissing other men. In walks Ice Sculpture George wearing a bedazzled choker, and serial killer Jake starts salivating all over his Southern Cross tattoo that she is looking rool fuckin rootable tonight. George takes Rhys aside to inspect his doodle like her penis doctor father, and gives him a polka dot hanky for some reason. Rhys starts reciting more bad poetry, and George laughs openly at how embarrassing he is. George’s ball-pulverizing side is making an appearance at all Cocktail Parties now, and she puts a loaded gun to Rhys’ head until he throws Sam’s lips under a giant dibby-dobber bus – claiming that Sam’s not there for the right reasons, even though Rhys himself is married to Hermione Granger in the outside world.

Suddenly the boyz start colluding about something mysterious, and they stand around waiting for the Bat Signal for their cue to pounce. And before George knows what’s hit her, they all break into Gangbang:The Musical, each singing their adorably out-of-tune rhyming parts, and King George’s frozen heart explodes into a million bedazzled pieces.

****

Rose ceremony time. Kosher walks in, with a whimsical used handkerchief tucked into his jacket pocket. He has been crying outside, remembering the love that he and James Mathison once had. King George calls up Matty, and Matty Whatevs goes to walk up, but realizes she meant the better looking Mat, and it’s as humiliating as saying hi to someone who’s waving to the person behind you. She doesn’t give poor Heath Ledger the rose, and he drives off in the Bat Limo back to Gotham city to play fistycuffs with Batman.

Phew! That inaugural recap was epic. I have to go now, and dream of Lee’s marbled abdominals while sucking down a Horizon ciggie and some Aldi gin. Till next time lovers!

Bloody Mary xo