Tonight is the much anticipated Hometown episode, where George’s spatula-applied eyeliner finally gets the chance to be judged mercilessly by the families of the four remaining wangs.
The episode opens with Nescafe Blend 43 dripping lasciviously into a cup (which is clearly a metaphor for all the tears Australia shed last night, after George sent Princess Cameron into a burning house of rejection).
In comes George walking pointlessly across a field resembling a rool Dinky-di McCubbin painting; wearing massive come-root-me-in-the-shearing-shed-boys boots, and waxing lyrically about choosing one special member of the gangbang to live forever in her Snatchelorette.
Matty’s Hometown, Sydney.
The Channel 10 drone camera pans across the Cronulla riots and Lara Bingle still looking for her engagement ring in Michael Clarke’s U-bend.
Matty J pushes a homeless guy off a park bench, and sits there in his Eddie Vedder flanno, staring pensively at swans. George sneaks up behind him, and for a second Matty thinks she’s Jake, and he reaches to dial Triple 000.
Matty introduces George to two horses that he stole from Bart Cumming’s crypt called Selma & Thelma, and he quips that if horse riding is the sport of Kings, then dressing up in his sister’s clothes is the sport of Queens. George laughs uncomfortably.
Selma the horse tries to kill George, and Matty comforts her for being even more of a wussy blouse than he is. While trotting along, Matty reveals that he’s actually a privileged Pony Club girl, who is also one $600 bottle of La Prairie lotion away from creepily wearing his sister’s skin.
Matty is slightly concerned about what Jorge will think when he confesses that he wants to marry his sister in Tasmania, but he’s sure that all her years as a hard-hitting journo for WIN TV would have opened her mind towards forbidden love.
Matty plies George with 18 glasses of Passion Pop, so she’s snockered enough to not run screaming back to Osher’s ample bosom when he breaks the terrifying news that she’s going to meet the entire Royal Family today, including sister/lover Scary Duchess Kate.
Goerge walks into Matty’s house wearing her second pair of root-me-in-the-back-of-your-Kingswood boots this episode. Matty’s family walk straight past poor George when greeting the prodigal son, completely ignoring her like she’s a piece of furniture, and she awkwardly falls face-first into a pot-plant.
They shove Matty’s nephew, a 4-month-old future King George into her face, and our Georgia’s ovaries violently recoil back into her chest cavity as she secretly wishes she could put this horrible screaming blob into a basket and send it down the river.
Around the dinner table, the brother they cloned out of Matty’s ugly testicle is asking George how she sleeps at night knowing she’s such a slut. Duchess Bitch notices George’s champers glass is empty, and asks her if she wants to join her to get a top up. George looks like ferret being strangled as she reluctantly agrees. The two white privileged vag’s have an excruciating conversation featuring Double Bay Vocal Fry voice vs. Ice Queen Newsreader voice, and Bloody Mary has to turn the volume down on the telly so she doesn’t have to endure this ear canal rape any longer.
Duchess says she simply can’t allow her brother/lover to leave, like, Sydneyyyyyyy. Oh and by the way you have to be willing to bequeath your, like, womb to our Royal Cult, so my child gets a cousin. Or you’re dead to us.
George says I can’t promise that, and besides I grew up without cousins, and look at me I turned out JUST FINE!
Duchess Bitchface cooly tosses her perfectly frosted blonde hair, then smugly takes a sip out her crystal Shandy glass, and snarks: “We’ll see….”
Duchess Kate later tells Matty she doesn’t like his odds of winning George’s vag, and besides she’s used up all her breast milk on her new baby, and doesn’t have enough left to comfort Matty if he walks back through those doors heartbroken.
Duchess pries the first L word of the season out of Matty, using the same rusted forceps that wrenched Sylvester Stallone out of his mother and fucked up his face forever; and she lets out a squeal of feigned delight that her brother/lover is finally leaving her to be in a socially acceptable relationship.
George and Matty exchange herpes on the front stoop, as he tells her chin how perfect he finds it; and George walks down the dark street to go cuddle up with the homeless guy.
Jake’s Hometown, Gold Coast.
The date opens with a montage of Bikies cooking up meth in their Surfers Paradise penthouse, and salivating Toolies warming up rohypnol in their sweaty palms. Jake stands on the street, wearing an oversized white shirt and more gel in his hair than a 1997 Year 11 formal. George totters over to him in her best plastic Courtney Stodden heels, and asks him where the hell they are, because this street looks kinda shoddy.
Jake says relax mole, we’re at my parent’s mafia compound, and George freaks out because she thought she could at least be felt up elsewhere before she had to meet the Godfather.
SURPRISE, Jake says. NOBODY IS HOME!
No prepubescent loser has been this excited about being home alone since Tom Cruise in Risky Business. George starts to freak out at being alone with Jake, because she’s always gotten serial killer vibes from him, but he reassures her that they’re just going to use this alone time to stuff her turkey. George’s pish flaps gets excited, and Jake says no you dirty ho, I mean like literally stuff a turkey.
He sneaks up behind her to get a knife, but she’s onto him, and he has to improvise at the last second that it was a spoon he was after. They have a Patrick Swayze / Demi Moore moment with a bowl of soggy mushrooms, except instead of fantasizing about Jorge’s chesticles, he’s getting hot under the Kmart shirt about actual ghosts.
They shove the stuffed turkey into the oven, and leave the house to go sit on some dry thistles and drink spew manti, while Jake explains the hierarchy of his mafia family.
George is having reservations about walking into her certain death. They open the door, and Mumma Jake fist-pumps then bursts into tears of relief that it’s her son who’s walking through the door, and not Alphonse Gangitano coming to settle a drug debt.
SUDDENLY Jake’s younger brother pivots in his chair towards the camera, and Sweet Holy Roberta, IT’S CARL WILLIAMS back from the dead!!!! They all sit around drinking Tropicana, because there’s no alcohol allowed in Casa Del Gatto, and 3 minutes later The Godmother asks all the wiseguys to leave so she can have a heart to heart with George’s chin. The Godmother tells George you can’t wrench my little Uomo D’onore away from his sick mother you selfish bish, go say 100 Hail Marys and repent for your sins.
An extremely camp Carl Williams gives George the third degree about what makes Jake better than the other gangbangers. He goes on about respecting the family values, and uses lots of three syllable words in the wrong context to sound faux intellectual to overeducated Jorge. They have a tug of war about Melbourne vs Gold Coast for a while, before The Godmother takes her little Jakey bubs outside to have a chat. Jake smiles ear to ear, and you can see he’s got a little herb from the turkey stuffing stuck in his buck tooth.
His father Don Jake Corleone has said nothing the entire evening, because he’s had his finger poised on the ‘send’ button of his Nokia 3210 to hitman Luca Braci, just in case he needs George “taken out of the picture” for breaking up The Family. But The Godmother gives George the tick of approval, and they hug her goodbye rather than kissing her on both cheeks, so she knows she’s not sleeping with the fishes tonight.
Jake the Ripper and Queen George tongue each other on the front stoop, and as she leaves, Jake looms there in the shadows, dreaming of all the creepy things he’d love to do to her.
Lee’s Hometown, Melbourne.
The date opens with a montage of flea-ridden beards and try-hards sitting on milk crates in alleyways, listening to unreleased David Bowie on cassette. Lee stands in the middle of the Botanical Gardens with a giant bunch of roses, and George has to swim across a festy pond to meet him. George’s gothic eyeliner sits down with Lee’s pulsating meaty proboscis, and they drink Espresso Martinis on a rooftop overlooking Melbourne’s insufferability.
They walk into Lee’s parents house, and his dad’s nose gives George the efnique double kiss, which throws poor Puritan George, whose only exposure to ethnik is the pizza she occasionally orders from Domino’s. Lee’s family warmly greet George, including his sweet senile Grootmoeder, who immediately tells Jorg where Lee’s tongue was conceived. His family warn her that one more outburst like that, and it’s straight back to the nursing home. But nothing can keep a good Grootmoeder down, and she continues along shamelessly, saying that Lee’s not perfect but he’s a sensitive, romantic little tongue, who would make a great vader for George’s spawn.
Lee deflects her embarrassing senility, by saying he loves the way George shares his awful sense of humour. Lee’s mothertongue takes Jorg outside for an interrogation, and tells her that Lee has only ever dated slutty platinum barbies before, and plain mousey girls like her have never had a look in. George completely freaks out that she’s not the kind of trollop he’d usually order from the catalogue, and she leaves the date feeling very insecure.
Courtney’s Hometown, Sydney.
Courtney is standing on the top of a giant lookout, and as George approaches, Courtney and his horrible hat hair have to stifle his impulse control problems so they don’t throw her straight off. George wants to have serious D & M’s, but ever-evasive Courts just wants to play Kindergarten games. George puts on a lifesaving shirt and no pants, and she and Hat Hair run down the beach, diving at some miscellaneous objects that were left behind in Stiffy Mansion (potentially Cam’s heart or Rhys’ dignity).
Finally they sit down to talk about feelings, and not since the Invasion of Normandy or Olena Putin stabbing Richie in his heart with his own cool banana Steve Irwin-style, has there been this much carnage on a beach. Courts tells George that he can’t possibly envisage STILL staring at that horrible eyeliner in two years time, then proceeds to give her more mixed signals than Helen Keller directing traffic. Jorge is totally devo.
Gerg and Court then walk into Casa Del Macaroni, and Gerg is wearing her 18th hideous off-the-shoulder polyester number this episode, and Bloody Mary is pretty sure sneaky Gretel Killeen is breaking in after hours and sabotaging the Channel 10 wardrobe department.
George is greeted by the infamous evil brother Hugo, who stole Courtney’s first girlfriend when he was four years old, and left Courtney with a lifetime of abandonment issues. Around the dinner table, the various Courtney clones are grilling a visibly uncomfortable Queen George about her connection with Courtney, who seems to find his toenail clippings far more interesting than her. She shoves dry toast in her mouth uncomfortably. Evil brother Hugo tells Courtney he’s never seen him so depressed in his life, and he’s got Beyond Blue on speed dial. Courtney doesn’t even try to refute this. George leaves more confused and directionless than Peter Allen during his marriage to Liza Minelli.
George walks into the Cock party dressed as a giant red rose. After spending 20 minutes trying to evade the killer bees chasing her, she sits down next to Courtney, who says he feels awesome and the hometown visit was just swell. An incredulous Jorge says I don’t know what season of the Snatchelorette you’re watching matey, but my Spidey Sense thinks you actually hate my guts. Courtney keeps digging himself into a deeper hole, while attempting to explain what’s going on inside his hat hair, and George’s pursed puritan lips become thinner and thinner as her face crumples in shock that she’s getting rejected once again.
She finally grows some giant hairy breasticles underneath the 800 layers of red froth, and puts her stiletto heel down. She tells Courtney that she can’t keep doing this to herself, and she wants a forever doodle, not a maybe-potentially doodle. She then says there’s no point having a rose ceremony tonight, and the reality dawns on Courtney that it’s all over for him and his macaroni bracelet. George says I think you should leave now, and cries her Maybelline all over her face.
It’s actually a pretty heartbreaking moment for such a soulless show, and I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t shed this many tears into my Aldi Gin since I watched Marley and Me.
Phew !!! I have to go be alone now and contemplate the real meaning of love. It’s been a blast everyone, till next time xo